Another Year Past

Today I turned 33. Despite all of the suggestions that I go out and celebrate, this year I’d really like to skip and forget the occasion. I’ve been reassured that it’s just another day, but I can’t help but feel frustrated that, as the clock continues to move forward, I feel like I’m moving backward. When I turned 32, I felt mostly optimistic. I was making more money than I had in my whole life. Possibilities seemed limited only by what I could imagine. Since then, I’ve gone from employed and optimistic, to unemployed and worried, to just about able to feed myself and trying to fight off despair.

In the past, I had resources available to me, but an incredibly negative and unproductive personal philosophy. I wanted to hide from the world. I was making OK money, not the kind that would see me retire by age 45, but definitely enough that I could have been squirreling away if I believed that there was a future to plan for. Instead, I blew all of my available resources on alcohol and other things that enabled my desire to hide and wallow in self pity.

Since that time, I’ve dried out and pulled my head out of the toilet. I am actively fighting the negative thoughts, attitudes are reactions that have held me back for so long. I’ve started making plans of where I’d like to be in 2 years, 5 years, and 10 years down the road. I’ve made a conscious effort to be more open-minded, and to show a loving and cheerful face to the world. As I have become increasingly dissatisfied with the solitude I have placed myself in, I have started to look forward to rebuilding personal relationships, getting out of the house and rediscovering how awesome people can be.

I’ve also never been so poor in my life. I have to consult my bank balance anytime I spend money on something that isn’t a bill. I’m finding myself trying to manage a $35 a week food budget. This is not exactly where you want to be when you’d like to get back out into the world and build relationships with people. It’s actually made me reluctant to make contact with other humans, for the shame of having to admit “I can’t afford to go out for a beer/movie/dinner.”

It’s a really frustrating thing, to have built up this hope and desire to take action and yet be held back by the simple fact that life costs money. I’m trying to maintain an optimism that this is not how things will always be, that there is an opportunity out there waiting to be seized. That the absence of financial prosperity is not a handbrake on my plans. Some days, however, I have a hard time feeling that kind of optimism. Today, as I am reminded that I am a year older and no closer to my goals, it’s one of those days.

As always, a bit of perspective helps. I can take comfort in the fact that I have family and friends that love me and want to help me succeed. I have an agile and powerful mind. I am, for the most part, a healthy person. I have a lot going for me, and as I stop to take time to remind myself of those things, the weight begins to lift a bit. If I can keep my eyes lifted to the sky and seeking opportunity, the details of the here and now cannot keep me down too long.