A Serious Thinking Problem

Much to my own disappointment, I seem to have become a smoker again.  After being very happily quit for over 2 years, I started bumming butts off my friends on pub nights.  No matter how utterly and completely disgusting I find the taste and smell of cigarette smoke to be when I’m sober, it never stops being a good idea to light up somewhere between that 3rd and 4th pint.  Once I started bumming butts here and there, the natural descent into addiction began anew.  Next, I was buying packs of butts for pub night.  Then I was dipping into that pub night pack when I got home from work for a “made it through day” puff.  Finally, I found myself out on the back porch every 45 to 90 minutes because, well, I needed to be there.

I never wanted to find myself in this situation again.  I don’t want to reek of tobacco smoke.  I don’t want to find myself getting more easily irritated at work and have a harder time letting go of it.  I don’t want to be more impatient overall, and I go through all of these things when my body is crying out for a smoke and I simply can’t have one.  My mind goes to incredibly negative places when I’m having a nic fit that’s being denied either by necessity or the attempt to exert some force of will against it.  The end result is a person who is much less pleasant to be around unless he’s sucking down smoke.

It’s time to be done with it.  Yesterday was my first day without a smoke in several months.  It was rough.  My whole body felt itchy, my skin was crawling and my mind was focused on creating an excuse to crack.  I got through it, though, and now I’m focused on getting through day 2.  I will continue to fight through the physical and mental cravings one day at a time, until they are gone.

This time, hopefully, I’ll last more than 2 years.

~ by schlippo on November 7, 2010.

Posted in random blather