One more time, with feeling

Much to my own disappointment, I seem to have become a smoker again.  After being very happily quit for over 2 years, I started bumming butts off my friends on pub nights.  No matter how utterly and completely disgusting I find the taste and smell of cigarette smoke to be when I’m sober, it never stops being a good idea to light up somewhere between that 3rd and 4th pint.  Once I started bumming butts here and there, the natural descent into addiction began anew.  Next, I was buying packs of butts for pub night.  Then I was dipping into that pub night pack when I got home from work for a “made it through day” puff.  Finally, I found myself out on the back porch every 45 to 90 minutes because, well, I needed to be there.

I never wanted to find myself in this situation again.  I don’t want to reek of tobacco smoke.  I don’t want to find myself getting more easily irritated at work and have a harder time letting go of it.  I don’t want to be more impatient overall, and I go through all of these things when my body is crying out for a smoke and I simply can’t have one.  My mind goes to incredibly negative places when I’m having a nic fit that’s being denied either by necessity or the attempt to exert some force of will against it.  The end result is a person who is much less pleasant to be around unless he’s sucking down smoke.

It’s time to be done with it.  Yesterday was my first day without a smoke in several months.  It was rough.  My whole body felt itchy, my skin was crawling and my mind was focused on creating an excuse to crack.  I got through it, though, and now I’m focused on getting through day 2.  I will continue to fight through the physical and mental cravings one day at a time, until they are gone.

This time, hopefully, I’ll last more than 2 years.

~ by schlippo on November 7, 2010.

One Response to “One more time, with feeling”

  1. Schlipps… When you’ve managed to quit for an extended period of time, all it needs is willpower. It’s that simple. If you’re scared of touching people because they might smell your tobacco stench hands… this only hampers yourself.

    Cheers, Mud

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