Uncharted Waters

Come tomorrow morning, I will be sailing into uncharted waters. After years of using marijuana and alcohol to mitigate (and often exacerbate) the general anxiety that has plagued me since childhood, I will take a doctor prescribed antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. It’s called Celexa, which sounds suspiciously like a model of car made by Hyundai or Kia. The doctor is starting me on a very low dose (10 mg), but I am feeling some trepidation because I have no idea what to expect. I have read the list of side effects, which quizzically include insomnia and anxiety. Those are two major things I’m trying to overcome, so it worries me a little that they may get worse. Also listed are weight gain and loss of sex drive, which caused me to ask the doctor if this is a medication or a marriage simulator. Apparently, the Hippocratic oath prevents doctors from laughing at their patients’ jokes, because I got no reaction to that one.

Nah honey, I’m not in the mood. The Celexa is kicking in.

On the plus side, I’ll have to avoid alcohol, which I’ve been attempting (with quite limited success) for some time now. It’s been difficult to tell myself not to have a drink just because I shouldn’t have one. With a more explicit disincentive, namely that drinking quantities of a depressant while on an antidepressant is counterproductive, maybe it will make it easier to say no to the random Wednesday night bourbons that often find their way into my hands. Of course, with less anxiety grabbing hold of me and giving me that icky tight stomach that only booze or bong loads can dispel, maybe I won’t feel like I need my vices as much. Whatever the outcome, I need to at least give this a shot. Self medicating doesn’t work, I just end up fat and feeling guilty. I’ve been down that road over and over in the last 20 years and it’s not getting any more effective as I get older. In fact, while a big ‘ol bong toke used to make the world feel like a better place, indulging increasingly makes me unhappy and leaves me feeling like I’ve wasted a lot of time and many, many productive hours. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe this stuff will be great and will give me the breathing space to learn how to defeat anxiety on my own. Maybe it will be a disastrous piile of side effects and I’ll be forced to try some other medication. At least I’m taking action and that in itself feels pretty damn good.